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The past few months

My first ever blog about what’s on top for me right now. Writing this as it is helping me reflect and grieve.

No judgment please. Good vibes only xx

My Latest Posts

  • It’s positive!
    Hmmmm, my period is due. Shall I take a test? We’ve only just started trying. Oh, I can’t wait. I sneak one from the drawer at work. Just the one line. That’s okay, I’m okay. I didn’t need it to be positive. All in good time.Continue reading “It’s positive!”
  • Is this normal?
    I’ve found a midwife. I’ve shared the news with my close friends and family. I’ve booked the first dating scan. I’ve even ordered some more cloth nappies. I know it’s early days, but you can never have too many nappies. We’re going to move upstairs beforeContinue reading “Is this normal?”
  • How could I not be emotional!?
    That first day was dreadful. I remember my husband holding me, telling me that miscarriages were common and try not to take it emotionally. I was furious with him. I remember saying to him “death is also common, should we not get emotional about that!?” IContinue reading “How could I not be emotional!?”
  • The next few days
    The next few days are a bit hazy. I remember my sister bringing me a plant and some treats. She sat with me and actively listened, her nurturing ways similar to that of our Mums’. A dear friend messaged me and said “Will come out unlessContinue reading “The next few days”
  • Talking always helps
    A couple of weeks pass and the bleeding finally stops. I think about what I’ve lost but I try not to dwell on my experience. I tell myself, this is just a blip. It wasn’t meant to be this time around. I can get through this.Continue reading “Talking always helps”
  • I’m not ready for this
    It’s been 5 weeks since I started miscarrying. I’m expecting my period. I feel this sense of dread, that my period bleeding will trigger a lot of emotion. A reminder of what I lost. I begin to feel really tired and I have a couple ofContinue reading “I’m not ready for this”
  • Stuck
    Each day following my positive pregnancy test brings more fatigue and nausea. It feels like a hangover with no relief. A hangover with no laughing about the night before. I hangover without McDs for dinner. I feel like I’m stuck inside a pit. I end upContinue reading “Stuck”
  • Decision time
    When I was pregnant with Jasper I made the decision to stop receiving treatment for my MS. Weighing up the risks vs benefits was tricky. Ultimately, I made the call to put the health of my baby first. I knew the risks of harm to himContinue reading “Decision time”
  • Crackers and toast
    My diet mostly consists of crackers and toast. I see an acupuncturist in the hope it will relieve my nausea. They give me a resource to take home. “Although nausea during pregnancy is often dismissed as a minor disorder it can be a very real afflictionContinue reading “Crackers and toast”
  • “There is no heartbeat”
    I go to work. The smell of coffee in the staff room makes me dry wrench. I’m struggling to drink the litre of water you’re encouraged to drink before the dating ultrasound scan. My first patient cancels. I’m counting down the minutes until I head downContinue reading ““There is no heartbeat””
  • Comforting words
    The sadness is unbearable. I’m devastated. I look for comforting words. The following words help me to validate my own feelings and fully immerse myself in my grief. “If I were to start a file on things nobody tells you about until you’re right in theContinue reading “Comforting words”
  • Day by day
    *These words include detail of my physical miscarriage so you might not want to keep reading* I realise that I can’t do this alone. I’m not strong enough. I need my village. So I let people know. I’m overwhelmed by the support from people. We receiveContinue reading “Day by day”
  • Nikau
    I bought two baby nikau. Nikau is my favourite tree. They are ready to go in my garden, but I’m not ready to plant them. What if this process makes me sad. What if it feels ceremonial. It’s too hard right now. Plus there are weedsContinue reading “Nikau”
  • The day after my birthday
    I awoke with a sadness. The past 5 birthdays since my Mum passed away have started that way. They get easier but they will never be quite the same. But this year brings a new level of grief. It was my 34th birthday yesterday. I shouldContinue reading “The day after my birthday”
  • Wishing things could have been different
    I have come to realise something in my writing and in my thoughts. I tend to think more about where I would be now if I were still pregnant with my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage than my second. I’ve sat with these thoughts forContinue reading “Wishing things could have been different”
  • What healing feels like
    I have done a lot of healing the past six months and I’m ready to see if we can bring a baby into this world. The first month brings it’s challenges and little time to practically start trying. We’re out for our first wedding anniversary dinner.Continue reading “What healing feels like”