It’s been 5 weeks since I started miscarrying. I’m expecting my period. I feel this sense of dread, that my period bleeding will trigger a lot of emotion. A reminder of what I lost. I begin to feel really tired and I have a couple of waves of nausea.
I can’t believe what I’m about to do. I take a pregnancy test. It’s positive.
But this time, there’s no feeling of joy. This is not ‘the best’ feeling. There’s no jumping up and down and laughing and crying and whooping. I feel fear, I feel panic, I feel shock. I’m not ready for this.
I sit with my feelings. I feel a sense of guilt. How could I be pregnant again so quickly after losing a little babe I wanted so badly. And why am I not excited to know I’m pregnant again? I can’t bear the thought of another miscarriage. I just can’t bear it. I tell myself I won’t get excited until I know this baby is growing and healthy and well.
The Saffron Chronicles 