Author Archives: Saffron Chronicles

It’s been 5 weeks since I started miscarrying. I’m expecting my period. I feel this sense of dread, that my period bleeding will trigger a lot of emotion. A reminder of what I lost. I begin to feel really tired and I have a couple of waves of nausea.

I can’t believe what I’m about to do. I take a pregnancy test. It’s positive.

But this time, there’s no feeling of joy. This is not ‘the best’ feeling. There’s no jumping up and down and laughing and crying and whooping. I feel fear, I feel panic, I feel shock. I’m not ready for this.

I sit with my feelings. I feel a sense of guilt. How could I be pregnant again so quickly after losing a little babe I wanted so badly. And why am I not excited to know I’m pregnant again? I can’t bear the thought of another miscarriage. I just can’t bear it. I tell myself I won’t get excited until I know this baby is growing and healthy and well.

A couple of weeks pass and the bleeding finally stops. I think about what I’ve lost but I try not to dwell on my experience. I tell myself, this is just a blip. It wasn’t meant to be this time around. I can get through this. My husband tells me on the regular that I’m going to be okay.

I’ve named my babe Haewai Iti. Haewai is the Māori name for our suburb and iti means small. I think Haewai is named after the surf at Houghton Bay. Thrashing and stormy, waves tearing in and dumping on the shore. I love the Bay.

I’m so thankful for what I do have. Jasper is so good to have around. So happy and bright and fun and loveable. I’m grateful for my family and my friends, too. I’m glad I acknowledged this hard time and talked about it. Talking always helps. I think if I kept things to myself, I wouldn’t feel strong.

Life goes on. Lockdown starts and I find I don’t enjoy it nearly as much as the one before. I find I’m not as resilient. I miss my family and freedoms. I feel more weary. Work is stressful and I’m not as tolerant of certain situations. I’m not sleeping well. I’m tired. I still cry sometimes when I wake up in the night. But I’m living and I’m okay.

The next few days are a bit hazy. I remember my sister bringing me a plant and some treats. She sat with me and actively listened, her nurturing ways similar to that of our Mums’.

A dear friend messaged me and said “Will come out unless you really don’t want me to!” She came with more treats and a variety of maternity pads.

I went to work while I was continuing to physically miscarry. I remember lying on a bed in a consult room during a covid vaccine planning meeting, tears falling from my eyes. That week I worked 3 days, 1 more than my usual.

I cried and I talked and I felt and I sat. I ate and I rested and I carried on. The days passed by and I felt lighter. I knew I was going to be okay.

That first day was dreadful. I remember my husband holding me, telling me that miscarriages were common and try not to take it emotionally. I was furious with him. I remember saying to him “death is also common, should we not get emotional about that!?” I know he spoke without thinking and didn’t mean to hurt me. I truly believe he will never understand what it is like to be me, physically losing the babe we made together. But he has been very supportive and loving and has never questioned my emotions since.

Evening comes and I arrive at my brother and sister-in-law’s home to babysit their son. I’m happy to have the distraction. The Olympics are on and they have all the channels. We don’t have a TV so I find it very comforting lying on their couch with a hot water bottle watching the action. For awhile I forget what is really going on. Or maybe I’m just in shock.

I have now come to understand that miscarriage is common. Approximately 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So why didn’t I know much about it? Why did I think it would never happen to me?

I desperately wished my Mum was here. To wipe away the tears. To rub my back. To sit with me. To do the chores that were piling up around us. To tell me I was going to be okay. She had two miscarriages, but she chose not to speak about them to us. I wish I could ask her now.

I’ve found a midwife. I’ve shared the news with my close friends and family. I’ve booked the first dating scan. I’ve even ordered some more cloth nappies. I know it’s early days, but you can never have too many nappies.

We’re going to move upstairs before the baby comes, meaning he or she will get their own room. I’ve started dreaming about what the room will look like. That beautiful baby smell filling the room. The soft sheepskin on the floor.

I go to the toilet and when I wipe, I notice some light pinky brown discharge on the toilet paper. Is this normal? This goes on for a couple of days. My midwife reassures me that discharge is normal in pregnancy. Some suggest it could be implantation bleeding. I’m not convinced.

It’s day 3 of this unusual discharge now, and based of my menstrual cycle, I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I’m cycling down the road to meet some friends for lunch in town. I meet my husband half way. I start crying when I see him. I have a strong sense that something is wrong. I walk into town with my son happily in the pram. On the way I bump into two Mums I know from a baby/parent group we all used to go to. I want to blurt out that I think I’m miscarrying, but I don’t.

I keep walking. When I see my friends, I tell them what’s going on. I’m torn between enjoying some leisure time with girlfriends and trying not to think about the pair of undies and pad in my bag that I might need to use if I start bleeding.

We take the bus home. As soon as I get in the door, I sit on the loo. There’s blood. Like a period. My instincts were right. The tears flow down my face. I don’t know how to make them stop.

Hmmmm, my period is due. Shall I take a test? We’ve only just started trying. Oh, I can’t wait. I sneak one from the drawer at work. Just the one line. That’s okay, I’m okay. I didn’t need it to be positive. All in good time. But part of me leaves the bathroom disappointed.

Few days later, still no period. This is strange, I’m normally pretty regular. I’m at the supermarket so I put a test into the basket. I get home and take it straight away. It’s positive!

Realising I was pregnant was one of the most exciting feelings I’ve ever had as an adult. Celebrating that moment with my husband was pure joy. Okay, I admit we were both surprised and both joked that life was about to get more hectic and we’d never sleep in again. But I was ecstatic. I knew from the life we have with our 18 month old son, that life was only going to become even more rich and full.

And so the journey begins.